My eternal fight with Google

9/12/17

Google is officially trying to kill me. Without a nice designated cycling route I am being forced to use the bicycle option on google maps to move across the country. Until today it worked pretty well. However after riding some roads this morning, I was excited to get on a bicycle trail and cruise through the woods. When I got there though, what google calls a trail was actually golf ball sized rocks poured out in a long strip. Which is like biking through sand just sharper and bumpier. Luckily I was able to find a road and continue on the route until the trail turned into a real one miles later.

On the bright side, my anger and worry about rerouting lead me to seek out fuel to push me along the new route. I spotted a sign for a pastry shop and decided a sweet sugary carbohydrate snack would be a perfect energy boost. Turns out I can’t read and it was actually a pasty shop but a delicious steamy beef pasty turned out to be even better.

I continued on the route with new vigor and excitedly discovered later on that what had looked like a road on google maps was actually a biking trail. It perfectly made up for Google’s failure earlier. Then at a road crossing the trail on the far side was blocked by someone’s parked car. I went around it and started laughing. The trail beyond was a single track dirt trail through the country side (shown below). I checked my phone and saw that google indeed routed me along it for about three miles so I decided it wouldn’t be too bad. I'm on a hybrid touring bike with thick wheels for a reason so I pushed on.

What I didn’t realize is I had fallen perfectly into google’s trap after their first fake trail didn’t work. I rode along a little slower on the small trail but smiling because it was much more gorgeous and interesting then my other riding. I didn’t notice the trees and shrubs slowly creeping closer. I started to brush a couple bushes and grasses as I passed but no big deal. Then I stopped to lift my bike over a fallen tree. The broken saw blade sticking out of it should have warned me that the path was a wild untamable place, but instead I just laughed at whoever had given up after trying to clear the trail and pushed on. I started ducking under branches and lifting my legs to avoid scrapping through thorns. Then a couple more fallen trees and denser brush. Finally I started walking my bike because the path had closed in too much to ride. I want to emphasize that the two pictures below are shots of the trail itself, not just some bushes off to the side of it. I swatted branches and brambles that grabbed at me. It wasn’t the most pleasant but it was tolerable and I knew it wasn’t far. Suddenly, it wasn’t tolerable anymore.

Thorns were ripping my skin and clothes and dragging my bike into the undergrowth. I fought over massive thorny piles of debris and under more low thorny arching branches and between walls of grabbing thorny brambles. The whole while dragging my super heavy bike that kept getting snagged on everything on the now narrow deer path. I, of course, thought it would open up at any second. By the time I realized it wouldn’t I was already too deep in. I started cursing google as I gave up on pulling out the thorns embedded in my flesh and just charged ahead trying to muscle my bike, and I, through the worst of it. I started composing angry emails to google in my head as I forced my way through the pain. My inability to admit defeat and turn around didn’t really help much in this situation.

The bike trail

The bike trail

Finally, though, I saw the road ahead. There had to be just one more massive pile in the way though. As I emerged from the mess of thorns that someone evilly called a trail, I thought about how awful I looked covered in burs and branches and bleeding profusely (did I mention the thorns?) This was verified when a group of cows standing near by looked up from their grazing and bolted at first sight.

Google made one final pitiful attempt on my life. I was cruising into town when the road google had put me on merged into another. I started down it as instructed and luckily suddenly realized google had routed me the wrong way down a four lane one way higway!

I somehow managed to survive the day and arrived at my Warmshowers host's home. Warmshowers is a network or cycle tourists that host other riders for free in exchange for a similar service when they go on tour. I had a blast and was treated to a massive spaghetti dinner and homemade bread! It was a much needed relaxing end to a long day. Thank you Rick!